"if you lived in chicago, you'd have the clap."

yes, that means exactly what you think it does. no, "the clap" is not a nifty new word for anything mundane, which i'm not gonna lie, i totally thought (like maybe saying to someone "you have the clap" means "you rock"? admit it, it works.)

anywho, i was supposed to take it as compliment. it was given to me by a fellow who had just fallen off the sidewalk, not after proclaiming that he was the the king of said sidewalk. he may or may not have been in a wheelchair and he may or may not have been intoxicated.

now, in the interest of clairfication, i'm not giving this story up because i think it's funny. i'm merely retelling due to the fact that it was interesting. i mean, how many times does a person get complimented with the useage of an STD?

not many, i'm pretty sure.

point being, i'm not making fun of the fact that he was in a wheelchair. i'm a snot, but i'm not completely cruel and void of feeling. come on, folks.

now on to more important matters...

as everybody knows, i come from the ssp. the land of unuseable stockyards (due to the animal uh...stuff in the ground) and hockey. we like hockey in south saint paul. and livestock. that's why every team based out of here are the packers. not because we feel comeraderie with wisconsin.

one of the awesome things i do enjoy about life in the ssp, besides the cow smell that tells you that some sort of precipitation is on the way, is the choices my neighbors make in lawn decorations.

we all know thanksgiving is drawing nigh. and in case we forgot, my neighbors on wentworth avenue decided to remind us with this:



yes, that my friends, is an gigantic inflatable turkey, just chillin. i found it accidentally a couple of weeks ago and it's sheer stupidity brings me daily joy like no get out. except on saturday, when it was so windy that it got knocked down.

i actually yelped. i think it might have been the only "yelp" i've emitted in 24 years.

but don't worry. i drove by today on my way to work tonight and terry (the turkey, duh)is up and completely functional once again.

phew.

well now, that's the opposite of good.

monday was going to be turkeytastic.

but then monday night happened, involving the following events:
1.) the lil' dude i watch on monday nights had a bad day. which resulted in him trying to kick my butt for 20 minutes after i said "no spongebob, parent-appointed bedtime!"

in all fairness to owen, he had a very valid point. he hadn't seen the rest of the episode. however, not so valid that it made him hitting me repeatedly with a pillow acceptable.

it was totally one of those times when you realize that a.) no matter how bad, you would never spank your own kid, much less someone else's and b.) what else works besides "ow. owen, you just hit my sunburn. please quit it."?

lucky for me, owen wants to be a police officer when he grows up...so i called former chief dad. they had a nice little convo about how police officers don't hit.

who knew copdad would come in so handy other than extracting one from legal situations?


should i be concerned that the 5 and 3 year old and i all like patrick because of the butt jokes?...'cause i'm starting to be.
so after that, i went home. hung out with the fam. listened to the jane accidentally call kate a gnome. then felt kate slap me in the eyeball.

she and i fully admit it was a case of mistaken identity, so we were cool. it just meant that my throbbing eyeball didn't feel like trying to make a pretty/witty blog entry about blown up turkeys.

ps: in no way, shape or form do i endorse the jane getting the eyeball slap. if anything, i think the eyeball slap should be avoided by any and all. that includes givers and receivers.


david=gnome. kate(does not equal)gnome.

eh, i've been up since 6. and while my disco nap at 8:30 has gotten me this far, i think it's time to pop myself in the tub and try to finish the crappy book. (which is a conversation for another day.)

is is really november?...that's bad news.

i thought the last time i posted was last week.

turns out it was, dare i say, three weeks ago? boo.

because while i haven't been off doing anything groundbreaking, i have come to some interesting conclusions lately. and by interesting, i mean interesting solely to myself. and might i add that most of the time they come to me on my lunch break, in front of nordstrom's, which only adds to the theory that no good, solid, productive thinking can come from the mall.

beauts like the everpresent "man, reese witherspoon makes me think i too can be brunette." and the new "walk the line" doesn't help the anti-side of that argument much.

for those dying of suspence right now, it always comes back to the same point that you know if you're a girl who reads too many magazines: she had brown hair to begin with. that's why it works.

see? this is the crap i get entangled in. no wonder why people think i'm a monkey. while i could choose to talk about the five books i read in the month of october and engage in intriguing prose, i choose to wax philsophical about the pros and cons of playing "make your head look like barf" with some hair dye.

anywho, i'm now working at the mall. however, as people were waiting for me to do, i realized that it's not so much the pile of awesomeness i thought. so i'm currently waiting to hear back from the historical society in the hopes that they give me my first chance to truly be the professional nerd i deserve to be.

at least i'll be well dressed.

in other news, my last check came from the old job. and yes, i say "old job" because i'm viewing my bonus as a severance check of sorts. when you get that much freakin' money at once, it's like a sign to get the heck out because i don't really think anyone will have the poor judgement to give almost 700 dollars again.

and...i went to lunch with my dad on last monday.

he works on university...by the egg and i...across from norm coleman.

as i was walking out, i pulled myself a geriatric move and shook my first at the window. very a la the oldest golden girl.

he was not there. he did not see my fist shaking. and i think the hmong family in the waiting room of the office thought there was something horribly wrong with me.
i almost felt like a political activist...then i remembered that i was wearing a puffy vest. there's nothing really "let's fight the government" about a bright green puffy vest from american eagle. even i know that and i live in the mall.

luckily, my dad just pointed out that while well intentioned, senator coleman probably is never there. then he bought me a cupcake. i thought it to be a very patient showing for conservodad. except the cupcake. that i feel i fully deserved.



the person who came up with the idea to create a bakery with 30 kinds of cupcakes is pretty much my hero. and to make matters even better, the spot is called, duh, cupcake (and i even think it has an exclamation mark, perhaps like "cupcake!: the musical"?)

but yeah, that's pretty much it.

tomorrow we'll talk about the inflatable turkey down the street and the very serious reason why i need my own ipod.